72. The Broadcasting System 1/4/10

1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene]
2. "Unknown" - Unknown - Shanghai Jazz
3. "F" - So - So
4. "Lock Stock and Teardrops" - Roger Miller - King of the Road
5. "Haunt Me" - Arab Strap - The Red Thread [Matador]
6. "Get Back Satan" - Reverend Roger L. Worthy and His Sister Bonnie Woodstock - Fire in My Bones [Tompkins Square]
7. "Unknown" - Unknown - Caucasia, Crossroads of East and West [Airmail]
8. "Rock and Roll Sermon" - Elder Beck - Fire in My Bones [Tompkins Square]
9. "Double Lock Your Mind" - Oneida - Anthem of the Moon [Jagjaguwar]
10. "Thung Kwian Sunrise" - Thai Elephant Orchestra - Thai Elephant Orchestra
11. "Unknown" - Unknown - Latvia: Music of Solar Rites
12. "It's a Rainy Day, Sunshine Girl" - Faust - So Far
13. "From the Side of the Machine" - Tony Conrad and Faust - Outside the Dream Syndicate [Table of the Elements]
14. "Father, I Stretch My Arm to Thee" - Reverend G.W. Killens and Mt. Calvary Congregation - Fire in My Bones [Tompkins Square]
15. "Thung Kwian Sunrise" - Thai Elephant Orchestra - Thai Elephant Orchestra
16. "Lay Lady Lay" - Pete Drake - ... and His Talking Steel Guitar
17. "You Without Sin Cast the First Stone" - Isaiah Owens - Fire in My Bones [Tompkins Square]
18. "The First Mrs. Jones" - Smiley Bates - True Stories from Life's Other Side
19. "Black Diamond Express to Hell (Part 1)" - Rev. A.W. Nix - Goodbye Babylon [Dust-to-Digital]
20. "I Ride an Old Paint, I Ride an Old Paint" - Johnny Cash - Mean as Hell [Bear Family]
21. "Lay Lady Lay" - U.S. Maple - Purple on Time [Drag City]
22. "J'ai passe devant ta porte" - Cleoma Falcon - Prends Donc Courage
23. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]

71. Facebook and the Apocalypse (Lungfish Live at North Six, Brooklyn, 9.18.04)

Anders Haley is still in the basement of Holman Hall. It's a good thing thing they just restocked the vending machines!

Mary Yount, Cooper Billick and 7 others like this.

Theo Lammer Man cannot live on Twix alone...
Peter Torrant It'll do in a pinch
Anders Haley LOL

***

Anders Haley So it looks like it was just a 10-megaton device they dropped on Rochester. What, we don't rate a 50?

View all 12 comments.

Laurie Pelham @Tony: C'monb man, not cool...
Tony Hamm I'm just saying, the world desrves a rest from our activities

***

Anders Haley Sick of Twix, gonna switch up to Kit Kats

Anders Haley My dollar bills are all crumpled up
Mary Yount I hate that

***

Anders Haley is wondering how it looks up there!

Thomas Dammer It looks like Baltimore
Anders Haley Remember that movie where they nuked Blatimore and you said "how ocould they tell if anyone nuked Baltimore?"
Peter Torrant It's horrible

***

Laurie Pelham is now single.

***

Cooper Billick

Astrology - Today's Taurus Horoscope
Here is your Today's Taurus Horoscope
You're going through some changes today and not all of them are perfectly comfortable. It's one of those days when you ought to just coast along and let life take you where it's going.
Mood:Calm
Lucky Color:Shadow Black
Lucky Number:28
Lucky Time of Day:11am
2 hours ago via Astrology · Comment · Like Unlike · Get Your Horoscope

***

Anders Haley if you want to get in touch with me shoot me an email the phone's dead

***

Tony Hamm is now single.

Mary Yount Tony no!
Jeffrey Goldschmidt : (

***

Anders Haley never thought I would say it but I'm sick of chocolate

Thomas Danner likes this.

***

Anders Haley There's nothing on the radio I would even listen to Lady Gaga right now

***

Anders Haley became a fan of Alvin The Chipmunk Has a Deeper Voice than Justin Bieber, I Was Expecting More Zombies! and One Thousand Strong for Rebuilding Civilization on the Platonic Model

***

Anders Haley > Mary Yount Happy Birthday, Murray! : )

Anders Haley Mary?

***

Anders Haley When I was a kid I always thought this would be a lot cooler, like, I saw Red Dawn and thought I would be a Wolverine. Instead I'm stuck in the basement and all the otrrent sites are down so I can't even downlaod any movies and if I watch Dumba nd DUmberer again Im gonna die. I tried tto leave yesterday and it looks like the door is blocked by...

See more

***

Anders Haley mery christmas

***

Anders Haley Who wants to rign in the new Year on Skype

Cooper Billick likes this.
Anders Haley Coope4r! get on aimi
Anders Haley Cooper get on aim

***

Anders Haley found a Lost Dog on the Street! It doesn't have tags but it looks like he's well-fed and somebody loved him very much! Help him give it a wonderful home in City Life!

70. The Broadcasting System 12/28/09

If someone could do me a favor: I don't know if the filesplitter I'm using is rendering the files un-joinable to the masses. If anyone could tell me if s/he can't rejoin the files upon downloading, I'd be appreciative. I'm using Ashampoo to do it.

1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]
2. "Music" - Neil Hamburger - Left for Dead in Malaysia [Drag City]
3. "Innocent Little Doggie" - George Coleman - Bongo Joe
4. "Dog Trot" - Moondog - The Viking of Sixth Avenue
5. "Apollo" - OMD - Junk Culture
6. "(untranslated Chinese Song)" - Unknown - Unknown
7. "Too Late" - Wire - Chairs Missing [EMI]
8. "Drastic Classicism" - Rhys Chatham - Die Donnergotter [Table of the Elements]
9. "It is Narrow Here" - Eric Zann - Ouroborindra [Ghost Box]
10. "Dance from Rize on the Black Sea" - Unknown - Songs and Dances from Turkey [Folkways]
11. "Among my Souvenirs" - Vernon Dalhart - Original Recordings - Mister '78
12. "Twin guitar rhodes viola drone" - Keith Fullerton Whitman - Antithesis [Kranky]
13. "Shamas-ud-doha, Badar-ud-doja" - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan - Shahen-Shah [Real World]
14. "Surrender to the Night" - Trans Am - Surrender to the Night [Thrill Jockey]
15. "Threshold" - Eric Zann - Ouroborindra [Ghost Box]
16. "The Farmer's Dream" - Frank Ferreira - Victrola Favorites [Dust-to-Digital]
17. "Avocado Orange" - David Grubbs - The Coxcomb [Drag City]
18. "D" - Codeine - Frigid Stars [Sub Pop]
19. "unknown Chinese vocalist" - Unknown - Unknown
20. "The Cuckoo" - Pelt - Ayahuasca
21. "Voolas" - Eric Zann - Ourobindros [Ghost Box]
22. "House on Fire" - Moonshake - Dirty and Divine [C/Z]
23. "Crumbling Down" - Polvo - Exploded Drawing [Merge]
24. "Too Far Gone" - My Dad is Dead - The Taller You Are The Shorter You Get
25. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]

69. My Internet Snack with Slender Man (Big Black Rarities)

crazywigglyarms86: sup
steelydanphanroxx: hello.
crazywigglyarms86: sup
steelydanphanroxx: to whom am i typing.
crazywigglyarms86: check out my name
steelydanphanroxx: yeah man, that's pretty neat. who is this.
crazywigglyarms86: woooooooooo look out your window
steelydanphanroxx: what.
crazywigglyarms86: i'm outside your window
steelydanphanroxx: no you're not. there's nothing out there. there's a bird.
crazywigglyarms86: what kinda bird
steelydanphanroxx: a black bird. a crow.
crazywigglyarms86: a spooky crow
steelydanphanroxx: no a crow.
crazywigglyarms86: my evil minyun
steelydanphanroxx: what.
crazywigglyarms86: evil minyun
steelydanphanroxx: do you mean 'minion?'
crazywigglyarms86: no fag
steelydanphanroxx: because 'minyun' isn't a word.
crazywigglyarms86: fag
steelydanphanroxx: is that you colin?
crazywigglyarms86: no
crazywigglyarms86: this is SLENDERMAN
steelydanphanroxx: no way!
crazywigglyarms86: way
steelydanphanroxx: really.
crazywigglyarms86: yeah man check out my aim name SLENDERMAN has crazy fucking arms
steelydanphanroxx: yeah.
crazywigglyarms86: im an eldritch motherfucker
steelydanphanroxx: that's cool.
crazywigglyarms86: don't get on my bad side mate
steelydanphanroxx: that's from that youtube.
crazywigglyarms86: yeah
steelydanphanroxx: that's funny shit.
crazywigglyarms86: yeah
steelydanphanroxx: so what can i do for you.
crazywigglyarms86: kyle told me you had some big black b-sides
steelydanphanroxx: uh yeah.
crazywigglyarms86: are they spooky
steelydanphanroxx: no.
crazywigglyarms86: why not
steelydanphanroxx: big black was never spooky. i mean, they were kind of creepy sometimes in that serial killer way.
crazywigglyarms86: i love serial killers
steelydanphanroxx: whatever floats yer boat, man.
crazywigglyarms86: so can i have them
steelydanphanroxx: what?
crazywigglyarms86: the b-sides
steelydanphanroxx: i guess
crazywigglyarms86: woooooooooooooooooo
steelydanphanroxx: hold on.
crazywigglyarms86: woooWOOOOOwooo
steelydanphanroxx: the fuck are you doing.
crazywigglyarms86: i'm scaring this guy
steelydanphanroxx: do you get paid for that?
crazywigglyarms86: no
steelydanphanroxx: me neither. ok: http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?zdutm1wymxy.
crazywigglyarms86: fuck yah
steelydanphanroxx: so what else is going on?
crazywigglyarms86: nothing
steelydanphanroxx: SOG?
crazywigglyarms86 is offline.

68. The Broadcasting System 12/14/09

1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]
2. "Tree House / School Bell (Part 1)" - Indian Ocean - Disco Not Disco 1
3. "Together Now" - Tricky - Nearly God
4. "Come On. Come On. (Don't Say Maybe)" - N.Y.C. Peech Boys - Dream White Island
5. "Satyagraha, Act I - Tolstoy/ Scene 3 - The Vow" - Philip Glass - Satyagraha
6. "Babylon" - Dr. John - Babylon
7. "Persistent Repetition of Phrases" - The Caretaker - Persistent Repetition of Phrases
8. "Joseph Looney" - Ollie Gilbert - Southern Journey Vol. 4: Brethren We Have Met Again [Folkways]
9. "Black Dust" - Hala Strana - Hala Strana
10. "Sarakhobor-I-Rast" - Academy of Maqam - Invisible Face of the Beloved
11. "What Goes On" - Velvet Underground - Live 1969, Vol. 1
12. "Qui sedes ad dexteram patris" - Francis Poulenc - Gloria
13. "Rosy Retrospection" - The Caretaker - Persistent Repetition of Phrases
14. "Rugindir; Festive Chant" - Unknown - The Demonstration Collection of E.M. von Hornbostel and the Berlin Phonogram-Archiv [Folkways]
15. "Ghost Bitch/I'm Insane/Justice is Might" - Sonic Youth - Bad Moon Rising
16. "Ka'upena Wong / A Ko'olau au 'ike i ka ua" - Unknown - Hawaiian Drum Dance Chants: Sounds of Power in Time [Folkways]
17. "Do The Mussolini (Headkick) (They Kill Him)" - Cabaret Voltaire - Methology '74/'78: The Attic Tapes
18. "Poor Enunciation" - The Caretaker - Persistent Repetition of Phrases
19. "Kerejing" - Arjasa, Western Kangean Island, 6/5/41 - Music for the Gods: The Fahnestock South Sea Expedition: Indones [Folkways]
20. "Mansion" - The Fall - This Nation's Saving Grace [Rough Trade]
21. "Men 2nd" - Wire - On Returning [EMI]
22. "Pushin'" - Pere Ubu - London Texas
23. "Peace Peace Peace" - Soul-Junk - 1951
24. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]

67. The Broadcasting System, 12/7/09

In case you were wondering what these are, The Broadcasting System is my show over at WTJU, where I've been a DJ for the last, what, 15 years or so? You can listen live, call in, whatever. It happens on alternating Mondays from 1400-1600 (EST). There are a lot of really great shows there, so be sure to check the schedule. I wouldn't have been exposed to 1% of the music I love were it not for WTJU.

1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]
2. "Shakytriggerfinger" - Switchhitter - Framed! [Academy]
3. "The Eiger" - Oneida - The Wedding [Jagjaguwar]
4. "Fast Money Music" - Suicide - The Second Album
5. "Evangelist" - Ut - In Gut's House
6. "Dub" - Pylon - Hits
7. "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" - The Slits - Cut
8. "Germ Free Adolescents" - X Ray Spex - Germfree Adolescents
9. "Seasonata" - John V. - Sinfonia Psychedelica
10. "Dudes" - Sightings - Arrived in Gold, Arrived in Smoke [Load]
11. "Dungeon Master" - Quintron - These Hands of Mine [Bulb]
12. "God Bless America for What" - Swamp Dogg - Rat On!!
13. "Amen" - Rotary Connection - Rotary Connection
14. "Shake It Like a White Girl" - E.U - Livin' Large
15. "Trouble Funk Express" - Trouble Funk - Early Singles
16. "Trianguli" - John V. - Sinfonia Psychedelica
17. "Polio" - Pterodactyl - Pterodactyl [Brah]
18. "No Furture" - Rah Brahs - Whohm [Lovitt]
19. "Kamloops" - Flin Flon - A-Ok [TeenBeat]
20. "Dracula Mountain" - Lightning Bolt - Wonderful Rainbow [Load]
21. "Lovefingers" - Silver Apples - Silver Apples
22. "Extra CD Track" - Ultra Vivid Scene - Ultra Vivid Scene [4AD]
23. "Bauchredner" - Gastr del Sol - Upgrade and Afterlife [Drag City]
24. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]

66. The Broadcasting System 11/30/09

1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]
2. "Paris 1919" - John Cale - Paris 1919 [Elektra]
3. "My Baby's Taking Me Home" - Sparks - L'il Beethoven
4. "Kray Twins" - Renegade Soundwave - RSW 97-95
5. "The Number Song" - DJ Shadow - Endtroducing...
6. "Eric B. Is President" - Eric B. and Rakim - Paid in Full
7. "Wall Street" - Jackie Mittoo - The Keyboard King at Studio One
8. "Luminous Carcass Ornament" - Daniel Higgs - Atomic Yggdrasil Tarot [Thrill Jockey]
9. "I Am A Poor Wayfaring Stranger" - Almeda Riddle - Southern Journey Vol. 4: Brethren We Have Met Again [Smithsonian Folkways]
10. "Laminated Cat" - Loose Fur - Loose Fur [Drag City]
11. "I Am Born to Preach the Gospel" - Washington Phillips - Key to the Kingdom
12. "Werewolf Song" - Michael Hurley - Blueberry Wine [Smithsonian Folkways]
13. "The Last Word in Lonesome is Me" - Roger Miller - King of the Road
14. "Alexander II (Theme from Shaft)" - Horst Jankowski - Black Forest Explosion
15. "Black Steel (Acapella mix)" - Tricky - Maxinquaye
16. "Regicide" - Matmos - The Civil War [Matador]
17. "My Soul is a Witness" - Unknown - Negro Religious Field Recordings from Mississippi and Lousiana
18. "Il Duce" - Big Black - Il Duce 7"
19. "(It Won't Be Long) And I'll Be Hatin You" - Johnny Paycheck - Greatest Hits
20. "Cloak and Dagger" - Tommy McCook and Upsetters - Cloak and Dagger
21. "Sun Was High (So Was I)" - Best Coast
22. "Daydreaming So Early" - On Fillmore - Extended Vacation [Dead Oceans: 2009]
23. "Imagine That" - Patsy Cline - The Definitive Collection
24. "Be With Me Jesus" - Angola Quartet - Country Spirituals
25. "Always Fade" - Low - Drums and Guns [Sub Pop]
26. "Treefingers" - Radiohead - Kid A
27. "The Mermaid Song" - Bascom Lamar Lunsford - Ballads, Banjo Tunes and Sacred Songs of Western North Carolina
28. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene]

65. Voices from Possessed Children (Okkulte Stimmen. Recordings of Unseen Intelligences 1905-2007. 3xCD)

(I originally acquired this recording from the Allegory of Allergies blog. Go check it out.)

multiple values Typically rhythmic-melodic speech in a hebephrenic schizophrenic; Ecstatically emotive artificial language in a chronic paranoid; Sonorous artificial language (Schizophrenia); Sitting with 'Betty', rec. London, 1987

"The steak Diane s'il vous plait, Phillipe"

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one at recess. Many people play doctor at home, but nothing can take the place of a real doctor's advice."

"I told them they should get a divorce. It's been my opinion that they should have gotten divorced years ago. Why can't they think about the post traumatic stress syndrome."

"I realized at a very young age that

"It became glaringly obvious to me at a very young age that

"I knew from a very young age that I was to be

"Of course I want him to stay here, but I don't really know the protocol for a middle-aged man who a) doesn't know who I am anymore or is willfully ignoring the fact that he DOES know me; and b) when he DOES seem to know who I am, calls me 'Lieutenant.' Building a fort out of sofa cushions, that's great... when I do it. But when Dad barricades himself in his room, I don't know what to do. There it is: I don't know what to do. So I have to be an adult. All that on top of math homework, yeah, I am at the end of my rope."

multiple values Glossolalia - prophecies, Pentecost community, USA, 1960s; Glossolalia - Pentecostal Church, Oklahoma, USA 1980s

"* # Enter the R-2 Prime Cup's Master Ball division (you have to beat the first three divisions first).
# Assemble a team that contains a Pikachu that does not yet know Surf. You HAVE to use a Pikachu from your Game Boy game. You cannot unlock Surfing Pikachu using a Rental Pokmon.
# Do not register your team! Pick it directly from your Game Boy cartridge.
# You now have to beat the Prime Cup's Master Ball division using a three-Pokmon team that always contains Pikachu. Pikachu has to be in every one of the eight battles, but it doesn't actually have to battle.
# You are not allowed to use any continues. If you do, you won't get Surfing Pikachu. "

"TM 01 - Mega Punch
TM 02 - Razor Wind
TM 03 - Swords Dance
TM 04 - Whirlwind
TM 05 - Mega Kick
TM 06 - Toxic
TM 07 - Horn Drill
TM 08 - Body Slam
TM 09 - Take-Down
TM 10 - Double-Edge
TM 11 - BubbleBeam
TM 12 - Water Gun
TM 13 - Ice Beam
TM 14 - Blizzard
TM 15 - Hyper Beam
TM 16 - Pay Day
TM 17 - Submission
TM 18 - Counter
TM 19 - Seismic Toss
TM 20 - Rage" ...
[list continues for another ten pages - ed.]

multiple values Voices from possessed children I January 1978; Possessed children II, February 1978; Exorcism carried out on Anneliese M______, Germany 1976; Rita G____ as 'Russell', rec. Leicester, England 18.11.1983

"This is an important time for me, and I'm sorry, but I need to be selfish right now."

"Holla atcha boy on Facebook."

"Why *can't* I?"

"party

"I just want to look young. If that means I have one facial expression a day, it's no skin off my ass. Anyway, skin off my ass, that's a different procedure. When I look young, I feel young."

"better off without me fucking things up, I always loved you and this is better than me

"time alone

"just tired

"So I tried the hot yoga, the Bikram stuff, for like a week and I still couldn't quit smoking so I'm signing up for this thing in Costa Rica where they put you in a coma for a week, two weeks and... No, I checked, the guy has a degree. And when you wake up you're past the whole thing and I'm going to ask if it might help with my co-dependancy as well. I mean, what's a couple of weeks in Nod if it can fix my

The loss of ; children being adults, adults being children.

"Wretched self-interest quickly dispels all the chimeras of the national will."

"The antipathy disappeared and turned into a completely exalted condition."

"A catechism with unctuous Solomon-like language the words of which rise gently like a dove chirp! chirp! to the regions of pathos and thunder-like aspects."

"All the dilettantism of thirty-five years of neglect."

64. The Baby Vector (Scott Bradley - Soundtracks to Tex Avery Cartoons)

(impossible without Brunner)

the babies came at dawn, on their quiet padded feet. i woke up and looked out the bay window, weak coffee in hand. i saw them. they saw me. the coffee cup fell to the foor, in slow motion, shattering, over and over again. john williams.

***

what is it, cremins.

babies, sir.

no shit, 'babies.'

sir, i...

what, cremins.

i don't know if i can shoot a baby, sir.

well, i think you just point the gun and pull the trigger but i'm no expert, cremins, i've only been in the fucking army for seventeen years.

sir.

cremins, when they come up on you you better shoot.

they're babies, sir.

babies... yeah, they're babies. they are babies, cremins.

***

the ride was worse than he imagined. he never thought he would run over a baby, and not a dozen every block. not in the minivan, which he and carol (carol... i hope...) had bought when they were expecting.

expecting. he never expected this.

***

parson looked up from the floor with one eye, the other one a bloody rose of gore. the babies didn't notice. they were oddly quiet, sucking on their pacifiers. like a fucking anne geddes picture... one gurgled contendedly and rolled on his back. slowly, he removed the pacifier.

it wasn't a pacifier. it was a finger.

parson screamed and then he felt little bodies start to land on him, flump flump flump flump...

***

moscowicz wiped sweat from his eyes. it was hotter than hell here in the mainframe room, but it was hotter out there, where the babies were. if he could just download the RAM into the mainframe, he could...

oh god, he whispered.

what is it? said sasha.

fucking... jesus, he said.

the mainframe screen lit up with the face of a jolly baby. "ah ah ah! ga ga ga! ah ah ah! gah gah gah!" it said. moscowicz heard a rising whine.

get out, sasha!

the room exploded.


***

sweating in the janitorial closet. my heart bursting through my ears. try to breathe quietly. but i'm safe. i know i am. cause they can't open the door. they can't open the door. they can't...

i looked at the handle. it was jiggling.

i stood up and looked through the small window. a pyramid of babies. roly poly. deadly. and on top, a baby teetering, reaching for the handle. only the fact that his hands were slick with blood kept him from getting a grip.

***

the baby hit the ground the same time i did, but got up just a little faster, motherfucker bounced, looks like. next i know the motherfucker has a knee to my throat and he's riding me like a bronco. stephanie, i thought. stephanie. i tried, honey.

63. The Social Contracts of 1544-B Alameda Drive (George Carlin, A Place for My Stuff)

1. Louis will replace what he ate when Hal replaces what he ate.
2. Kim won't bathe with the bathroom door wide open if Louis will confront his hatred and fear of women.
3. Hal won't mock Jane's fear of midgets just because it occurs to him to do so.
4. Jane just won't.
5. Hal will refrain from punching Louis in the nose if Louis will admit he's a sponge.
6. Kim won't mention Jane's yo-yo dieting if Jane won't keep her up all night with one of her crying jags.
7. Hal won't leave the toilet seat up if Jane won't keep him up all night with one of her crying jags.
8. Louis won't stand over Jane's bed in a hood if Jane won't keep him up all night with one of her crying jags.
9. Kim won't call the cops on everyone else just because she's menstruating.
10. Kim won't call the cops if everyone else leaves.

62. Frank Talk About Eye Color (Black Eyes, s/t and Cough)

Blue eyes: People with blue eyes are descended from Nazis. People with blue eyes are from: Scandinavia, Brazil, Oklahoma. Blue-eyed people are horse-whisperers, cheerleaders, Robin Hoods, devils. Blue-eyed people think they run the world but they so don’t. Blue-eyed people were able to rap in the early 90’s. Blue-eyed people will never find the face of Jesus in a miracle tortilla, and only 7% (adjusted) will ever try to. Blue-eyed people know where participating locations are. Blue-eyed people: 11.99% APR, $700 down at participating locations.

Brown eyes: People with brown eyes wake up later than people of other eye colors, and they go to bed later. Types of brown eyes: cylindrical (reversed), like chestnut, bloodshot, muffin. If you approach a brown-eye person from behind, be sure to ring your bell; their frightened ululations will startle and delight the cattle. Brown-eyed girls resent Van Morrison, for they have never been under the stadium, and they haven’t grown. They have reached only the size of their
cubicles, which are piled on top of each other like Tetris blocks. Brown-eyed people are seen in the early levels, and may be defeated with the Young Moon combo, which you should have had tattooed to your left wrist by Horga, the Ice Witch in Yodelling City.

Green eyes: Not jealous, but resentful of the implication. Green-eyed lady, passionate lady: child of nature, friend to man; will prepare your taxes using druidic “essences.” Green-eyed people hang out under power lines, smoking; on ley-lines, smudging; in places where coffee is served in tiny china demitasse cups, writing the next American novel, not the great one, just the next. Green eyed men come from Mars, and green eyed ladies come from “What do you mean by that!?”.

Red eyes: Linda Blair! Oh no. Oh no no no, God no.

Hazel eyes: Those of the hazel persuasion know their limitations, but surpass them anyways. Hey hazel-eye lady, won’t you share your Twix with me? Hey hazel-eye daddy, you let my woman be. We wanna have us hazel eye children underneath that hazel tree. Hazel-eyed people would write a musical like that, but have been counselled against it.

61. 365 More Funniest Jokes! (Coyle and Sharpe, Audio Visionaries)

may 6!

a policeman was called to the Verrazanno Narrows Bridge to stop a man from committing suicide. he pulled up right as the man was about to go over the side. "don't do it!" he said. "you have so much to live for!" "bullshit!" said the guy. "i'm bankrupt, i'm under investigation by the SEC, and my fiancee, jennifer landingham, is cheating on me!" "THE jennifer landingham?" said the cop. "i know her. she's beautiful! she's something to live for!" the guy paused. "i guess... yeah, she is..." he said, starting to step away from the edge. "and she fucks like a wildcat. in bed her ass moves like a blender!" said the cop. the high point of the Verrazanno Narrows Bridge is 244 feet above the water.

october 30!

what would happen if you crossed an eggplant with a boom box?

that could not happen.

august 11!

fred: doctor, it hurts when i do this!
doctor derf: well, don't do that!
fred: but life without masturbation isn't worth living!

february 1!

a man and a woman were walking in the mountains along a thin trail. suddenly, the ground gave way and the woman fell, only barely catching herself on a branch. "quick, go get help!" she said. "ok, honey! i love you!" he ran back along the trail towards the village. the path forked and even though there were PLENTY OF PEOPLE AROUND he didn't ask for directions and he got more and more lost. he finally made it to the village and got help but by the time he got back, his wife had plummetted to her death. he should have asked for directions but guys NEVER DO.

december 17!

what did the hamburger say to the side of fries?

hamburgers cannot speak, we have made them mute so they aren't horrifying to eat.

june 1!

what would you call a cross between a hyena and a manatee?

this joke has two punchlines, equally humorous. a) a hyenatee. b) a horrifying mental image.

september 22!

i went to a german-russian restaurant, and an hour later i hit a jew in the face and then sent his family to the steppes!

march 19!

one of my cats had a litter of kittens, and my five year old daughter, jesse, was amazed by the process. she cooed with delight as the first kitten was born, asked (i thought) very intelligent questions about biology and the birth canal, and danced and laughed while the mama cat licked the first kitten clean. the litter ended up being five cats, and it took a while, so i made dinner. while we were eating, jesse looked over at the pen where the birthing was finishing. "look, fluffles is hungry too! happy dinner, fluffles!" my wife and i looked on in horror. the fifth kitten was stillborn and fluffles was snout deep in its steaming, deformed corpse.

january 29!

what did the politest child in the gulag get?

cancer!

hope you're enjoying this ETERNITY OF FUNNY JOKES!

60. D.B Cooper Parachuting Over My Mother's House (Cajun Fais Do-Do)

(for Brian Encino Man)

d.b. cooper's parachute malfunctions. he cuts it away, uses his safety. he plunges into the brackish waters of the corrottoman. my mother drinks white wine on the deck, sees d.b. cooper swim slowly to the shore. she pours another glass of wine. she goes to get another glass. she pours another glass of wine.

d.b cooper dripping wet. he walks to the deck. roughly, my mother grabs his arm, pulls him to her.

an hour during which my mother and d.b. cooper do things i will not describe.

d.b. cooper and my mother smoking, drinking white wine.

d.b. cooper: "thank you for... understanding."
my mother: "no, honey, it's fine."
d.b. cooper: "i wish i didn't have this... this kink."
my mother: "we're all wired a little off factory specifications, dear."
d.b. cooper: "yeah, but how many people have to leap from a helicopter with a malfunctioning parachute which they then need to cut away and use their back-up... how many people need to do all that in order to initiate sexual relations?"

my mother shrugs and pours another glass of white wine.

d.b. cooper seen parachuting to the supermarket. the convenience store. his chiropractors.

my mother drinking white wine.

my mother: "are you having an affair?"
d.b. cooper: "i could never. can you pour me another glass of white wine?"
my mother: "you seem to be parachuting quite a bit these days."
d.b. cooper: "well, it IS what i'm known for."

d.b. cooper falling from the sky, silhouetted by the red clay sun. my mother looking up with wonder.

what does the house look like to a man in freefall? what does my mother look like from 30,000 feet? i ask d.b. cooper over white wine.

"you couldn't understand it, son. you stay on the ground. you've never felt all your guts in your throat as you step from the plane. i've watched you, it takes you ten minutes to screw up the courage to step from a curb. there's nothing wrong with that. i myself am deathly afraid of spiders. so much as i will never understand the certain thrill of arachnology, you will never understand..."

well, it is my mother, after all. i certainly wouldn't, i suppose...

i ask my mother, who sits atop a pyramid of empty white wine bottles.

"son, i don't feel comfortable talking about..."
"do you see him as he falls? does this excite you?"
"i see him fall. i watch as the first parachute fails to deploy. i must admit, knowing that the process has been set in motion there is a certain frisson. but i doubt you could ever understand. you who requires rope and pitons to descend a flight of stairs. this isn't your fault. your father used to..."
"don't talk about father," i say.

paralyzed with fear in front of the bank of elevators. i can see my face in the polished doors. my psychiatrist on the phone, telling me again he will not have our session in the lobby, telling me that as a strict freudian he will charge me whether i come to the third floor or not.

my father at the base of the stairs, waving the January 1982 issue of Playboy.

"c'mon. c'mon you little pussy. c'mon you little pecker. you gotta come down some time. i know you wanna see this. hoo-ee." he glances at the magazine, shakes it so that the centerfold unfurls. "goddamn, i do declare. this is gonna jumpstart yer puberty, boy. this is gonna make your little balls drop. c'mon, boy. c'mon. mother of all saints, but this chick is smokin'."

quivering, i push a slinky over the lip of the stairs, watch it flip flip flip towards my father.

59. 365 Greatest Jokes (Neil Hamburger, America's Funnyman + Great Phone Calls)

Jan. 21!
what do you get when you cross a giraffe and a lizard?

a long-necked komodo dragon!

Mar. 9!
a muslim and a baptist were alone in a lifeboat, somewhere in the Indian Ocean. the baptist said, "at times like this, our differences seem kind of small, don't they?" the muslim didn't respond. he did not speak english.

February 11!
why was six afraid of seven?

seven was black!

September 14!
what was pol pot's favorite television show?

a five-hour long static shot of bleached human skulls in the sun!

June 1!
a drunk walked into a bar with his dog. "hey," said the bartender. "you can't bring your dog in here!" "this isn't just any dog. this dog can talk!" said the drunk, who smelled awful. "you don't say!" said the bartender. "hey poochy, who was the greatest baseball player of all time!" the dog started licking his flanks. the bartender waited, then said "ok, what's the book of the bible after judges?" the dog sniffed the wall. the drunk started to weep. "c'mon sparky, talk. please. please."

December 30!
how do you get to carnegie hall?

i don't know, it's in new york city, isn't it? we're nowhere near there.

Decmeber 31!
how do you get to carnegie hall?

are you fucking dense? this is fucking tallahassee. we're nowhere close to fucking carnegie hall. seriously, leave me the fuck alone.

July 3!
what do you call a room with no windows or doors?

hell

October 6!
little susie was walking home from school when a car splashed through a puddle right next to her, soaking her and covering her pretty dress with mud! thinking quickly, she grabbed a couple of palm fronds, took all her clothes off, and held the fronds in front of her suggestively. she made it home, where her mother was on the front porch, smoking. "susie! what are you doing!" "there are women like this in daddy's magazines!" replied susie. "oh god, get in the house!" said her mother. it was too late. child protective services had been notified.

ha ha! keep checking back for the funniest jokes!

58. Twilight of the Dudes (U.S. Maple: Long Hair in Three Stages, Sang Phat Editor, Acre Thrills)

Twilight of the Dudes. the Duderdammerung. the grills stand empty. the lawns unmowed. vast piles of buffalo wings uneaten. where are the Dudes. does anyone remember Dudes. Dudes, come back. we don't know what you're for but we need you back anyway.

the Dudes in the hearts of men. there will be a corner of some foreign field that is forever Dude. at nightfall, a lone trumpet plays the guitar line to "Walk This Way."

where the Dude once stood rises the New American Guy. he shines, is kind. he goes to buy the Midol with no complaint. the La-Z-Boys are towed via barge out to sea and sunk. vast reefs formed from the La-Z-Boys of the missing Dudes.

deep in the swamp primeval thirty miles from little rock, an ornithologist sits by a campfire and reviews the tapes from his field recorders. nothing. on the sixth tape, though, behind the slow sizzle of the sound of rain, something. he rewinds the tape. he checks all the levels. he takes the tape out of the player, inspects it. he puts it back in. he realizes he has been holding his breath. he presses play. no, it's there, it's definitely there. the sound of rain. then: "fuckin' mets suck this year." then, the sound of rain until the end of the tape.