Saturday, January 24, 2009
43. I Asked Him (Sleater-Kiney, Call the Doctor)
I was having a terrible time. I felt distinctly unwell. I went to see my doctor. He is a good man. He shone a light in my eyes. He looked in my left ear, then my right. I was told to breathe in a specific way. He looked at me sternly, but not without kindness. I felt re-assured and appropriately worried. The stern but kind look told me that I hadn't wasted his time.
"Well, I'm glad you came in. This certainly isn't a waste of my time." My heart leapt. "From the cursory inspection I gave you (and thank you for breathing in that certain way, it really helps me pin down my diagnsis), I would say you have the following problems: Aspergillosis, Blastomycosis, Candidiasis, Coccidioidomycosis, Cryptococcosis, Dermatomycoses, Fungemia, Geotrichosis, Histoplasmosis, Microsporidiosis, Paracoccidioidomycosis, Piedra, Pneumocystis, Zygomycosis, Cerebral Toxoplasmosis, Spirochaetales Infections, Brain Abscess, Empyema, Epidural Abscess, Lyme Neuroborreliosis, IRAK4 DEFICIENCY, LEUKOCYTE ADHESION DEFICIENCY, TYPE I ("Sounds worse than it is but the capital letters are necessary," he said, and I was comforted), Bacterial Meningitis, Escherichia coli (Meningitis), Meningitis, Haemophilus, Meningitis, Listeria, Meningococcal Meningitis, Pneumococcal Meningitis, Meningeal Tuberculosis, Neurosyphilis, Pneumonia of Calves, (Enzootic), Pneumonia of Swine (Mycoplasmal), Pneumonia (Mycoplasma), Pneumonia, (Pneumococcal), Pneumonia, (Rickettsial), Pneumonia, (Staphylococcal), Norrie Disease, Choroid Hemorrhage, Lecithin Retinol Acyltransferase, Fundus Albipunctatus, Duane Retraction Syndrome, Donnai-Barrow Syndrome, Reiger Syndrome (types 1 and 2), Muscle-Eye-Brain Disease, Oculoauricular Syndrome, Cerebrooculofacioskeletal Syndrome (type 2 yes, I don't believe type 4), Warburg Micro Syndrome, Aleutian Mink Disease, Ephemeral Fever, African Horse Sickness, Rinderpest and Chronic Wasting Disease."
"That sounds serious, Doctor," I said.
"It is, son," he said. "But modern science is quite up to the challenge."
So I asked my doctor. I asked my doctor about Paxil, Lexapro, Hydrocodone, Xanax, Tramadol, Vicodin, Lyrica, Oxycodone, Lisinopril, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Percocet, Zoloft, Metformin, Effexor, Ambien, Prednisone, Atenolol, Wellbutrin, Morphine, Naproxen, Phentermine, Tylenol, Aspirin, Norvasc, Toprol, Darvocet, Nexium, Soma, Diovan, Seroquel, Albuterol, Neurontin, Adderall, Protonix, Ultram, Zocor, Ativan, Metoprolol, Levaquin, Valium, Viagra, Prozac, Alprazolam, Cipro, Oxycontin, Gabapentin, Lortab, Clonazepam, Celexa, Synthroid, Plavix, Cyclobenzaprine, Prevacid, Celebrex, Vytorin, Lasix, Lorazepam, Amoxicillin, Trazodone, Zyrtec, Klonopin, Depakote, Clonidine, Codeine, Lamictal, Methadone, Flexeril, Topamax, Diclofenac, Promethazine, Mobic, Doxycycline, Augmentin, Cephalexin, Bactrim, Hydrochlorothiazide, Advair, Ibuprofen, Omeprazole, Furosemide, Zetia, Diazepam, Fentanyl, Risperdal, Abilify, Skelaxin, Elavil, Amitriptyline, Coumadin, Flomax, Prilosec, Allegra, Clindamycin, Insulin, Lunesta, Fosamax, Zyprexa, Citalopram, Ranitidine, Fluoxetine, Hydroxyzine, Actos, Metronidazole, Altace, Crestor, Coreg, Digoxin, Phenergan, Benicar, Verapamil, Acetaminophen, Lithium, Zithromax, Dilantin, Tricor, Lotrel, Potassium, Norco, Keflex, Flagyl, Avandia, Ritalin, Ciprofloxacin, Inderal, Trazadone, Biaxin, Singulair, Aciphex, Enalapril, Zantac, Ultracet, Tamiflu, Diltiazem, Warfarin, Baclofen, Lidocaine, Lovastatin, Carisoprodol, Provigil, Ortho Evra, Medrol, Penicillin, Benadryl, Reglan, Remeron, Propoxyphene, Concerta, Cozaar, Hctz,Premarin, Levothyroxine, Methotrexate, Buspar, Glucophage, Glyburide, Paroxetine, Avelox, Valtrex, Calcium, Allopurinol, Avapro, Erythromycin, Dilaudid, Aricept, Claritin, Imitrex, Simvastatin, Estradiol, Triamcinolone, Namenda, Meclizine, Lopressor, Glipizide, Cialis, Acyclovir, Azithromycin, Actonel, Etodolac, Robaxin, Lovenox, Trileptal, Atarax, Geodon, Propranolol, Temazepam, Zofran, Bupropion, Naprosyn, Detrol, Flonase, Voltaren, Cardizem, Amiodarone, Diflucan, Isosorbide, Byetta, Zanaflex, Heparin, Nabumetone, Nystatin, Toradol, Loratadine, Levoxyl, Magnesium, Demerol, Vancomycin, Motrin, Tegretol, Requip, Pravachol, Evista, Boniva, Haldol, Nifedipine, Keppra, Metoclopramide, Spironolactone, Lantus, Methocarbamol, Indomethacin, Quinine, Rozerem, Tizanidine, Lanoxin, Apap, Decadron, Omnicef, Triamterene, Strattera, Atropine, Fioricet, Relafen, Compazine, Restoril, Endocet, Spiriva, Dexamethasone, Zelnorm, Vioxx, Hydrocortisone, Niaspan, Mirtazapine, Nasonex, Hyzaar, Tetracycline, Terazosin, Provera, Avalide, Lodine, Aldactone, Fluconazole, Lupron, Diphenhydramine, Septra, Thyroid, Methylprednisolone, Fexofenadine, Amlodipine, Ditropan, Famotidine, Accupril, Amaryl, Atrovent, Phenytoin, Colchicine, Vasotec, Atacand, Yasmin, Proscar, Flovent, Caduet, Lupron, Pepcid, Captopril, Doxepin, Macrobid, Entex, Lamisil, Prednisolone, Piroxicam, Sinemet, Bentyl, Dopamine, Lidoderm, Zestril, Imdur, Clarinex, Butalbital, Combivent, Levitra, Ampicillin, Versed, Duragesic, Bextra, Cardura, Hydralazine, Pseudoephedrine, Enebrel, and Indocin.
"Let me get my pad," he said.