Sunday, February 21, 2010

69. My Internet Snack with Slender Man (Big Black Rarities)



crazywigglyarms86: sup
steelydanphanroxx: hello.
crazywigglyarms86: sup
steelydanphanroxx: to whom am i typing.
crazywigglyarms86: check out my name
steelydanphanroxx: yeah man, that's pretty neat. who is this.
crazywigglyarms86: woooooooooo look out your window
steelydanphanroxx: what.
crazywigglyarms86: i'm outside your window
steelydanphanroxx: no you're not. there's nothing out there. there's a bird.
crazywigglyarms86: what kinda bird
steelydanphanroxx: a black bird. a crow.
crazywigglyarms86: a spooky crow
steelydanphanroxx: no a crow.
crazywigglyarms86: my evil minyun
steelydanphanroxx: what.
crazywigglyarms86: evil minyun
steelydanphanroxx: do you mean 'minion?'
crazywigglyarms86: no fag
steelydanphanroxx: because 'minyun' isn't a word.
crazywigglyarms86: fag
steelydanphanroxx: is that you colin?
crazywigglyarms86: no
crazywigglyarms86: this is SLENDERMAN
steelydanphanroxx: no way!
crazywigglyarms86: way
steelydanphanroxx: really.
crazywigglyarms86: yeah man check out my aim name SLENDERMAN has crazy fucking arms
steelydanphanroxx: yeah.
crazywigglyarms86: im an eldritch motherfucker
steelydanphanroxx: that's cool.
crazywigglyarms86: don't get on my bad side mate
steelydanphanroxx: that's from that youtube.
crazywigglyarms86: yeah
steelydanphanroxx: that's funny shit.
crazywigglyarms86: yeah
steelydanphanroxx: so what can i do for you.
crazywigglyarms86: kyle told me you had some big black b-sides
steelydanphanroxx: uh yeah.
crazywigglyarms86: are they spooky
steelydanphanroxx: no.
crazywigglyarms86: why not
steelydanphanroxx: big black was never spooky. i mean, they were kind of creepy sometimes in that serial killer way.
crazywigglyarms86: i love serial killers
steelydanphanroxx: whatever floats yer boat, man.
crazywigglyarms86: so can i have them
steelydanphanroxx: what?
crazywigglyarms86: the b-sides
steelydanphanroxx: i guess
crazywigglyarms86: woooooooooooooooooo
steelydanphanroxx: hold on.
crazywigglyarms86: woooWOOOOOwooo
steelydanphanroxx: the fuck are you doing.
crazywigglyarms86: i'm scaring this guy
steelydanphanroxx: do you get paid for that?
crazywigglyarms86: no
steelydanphanroxx: me neither. ok: http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?zdutm1wymxy.
crazywigglyarms86: fuck yah
steelydanphanroxx: so what else is going on?
crazywigglyarms86: nothing
steelydanphanroxx: SOG?
crazywigglyarms86 is offline.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

68. The Broadcasting System 12/14/09


1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]
2. "Tree House / School Bell (Part 1)" - Indian Ocean - Disco Not Disco 1
3. "Together Now" - Tricky - Nearly God
4. "Come On. Come On. (Don't Say Maybe)" - N.Y.C. Peech Boys - Dream White Island
5. "Satyagraha, Act I - Tolstoy/ Scene 3 - The Vow" - Philip Glass - Satyagraha
6. "Babylon" - Dr. John - Babylon
7. "Persistent Repetition of Phrases" - The Caretaker - Persistent Repetition of Phrases
8. "Joseph Looney" - Ollie Gilbert - Southern Journey Vol. 4: Brethren We Have Met Again [Folkways]
9. "Black Dust" - Hala Strana - Hala Strana
10. "Sarakhobor-I-Rast" - Academy of Maqam - Invisible Face of the Beloved
11. "What Goes On" - Velvet Underground - Live 1969, Vol. 1
12. "Qui sedes ad dexteram patris" - Francis Poulenc - Gloria
13. "Rosy Retrospection" - The Caretaker - Persistent Repetition of Phrases
14. "Rugindir; Festive Chant" - Unknown - The Demonstration Collection of E.M. von Hornbostel and the Berlin Phonogram-Archiv [Folkways]
15. "Ghost Bitch/I'm Insane/Justice is Might" - Sonic Youth - Bad Moon Rising
16. "Ka'upena Wong / A Ko'olau au 'ike i ka ua" - Unknown - Hawaiian Drum Dance Chants: Sounds of Power in Time [Folkways]
17. "Do The Mussolini (Headkick) (They Kill Him)" - Cabaret Voltaire - Methology '74/'78: The Attic Tapes
18. "Poor Enunciation" - The Caretaker - Persistent Repetition of Phrases
19. "Kerejing" - Arjasa, Western Kangean Island, 6/5/41 - Music for the Gods: The Fahnestock South Sea Expedition: Indones [Folkways]
20. "Mansion" - The Fall - This Nation's Saving Grace [Rough Trade]
21. "Men 2nd" - Wire - On Returning [EMI]
22. "Pushin'" - Pere Ubu - London Texas
23. "Peace Peace Peace" - Soul-Junk - 1951
24. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]

Saturday, February 6, 2010

67. The Broadcasting System, 12/7/09



In case you were wondering what these are, The Broadcasting System is my show over at WTJU, where I've been a DJ for the last, what, 15 years or so? You can listen live, call in, whatever. It happens on alternating Mondays from 1400-1600 (EST). There are a lot of really great shows there, so be sure to check the schedule. I wouldn't have been exposed to 1% of the music I love were it not for WTJU.

1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]
2. "Shakytriggerfinger" - Switchhitter - Framed! [Academy]
3. "The Eiger" - Oneida - The Wedding [Jagjaguwar]
4. "Fast Money Music" - Suicide - The Second Album
5. "Evangelist" - Ut - In Gut's House
6. "Dub" - Pylon - Hits
7. "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" - The Slits - Cut
8. "Germ Free Adolescents" - X Ray Spex - Germfree Adolescents
9. "Seasonata" - John V. - Sinfonia Psychedelica
10. "Dudes" - Sightings - Arrived in Gold, Arrived in Smoke [Load]
11. "Dungeon Master" - Quintron - These Hands of Mine [Bulb]
12. "God Bless America for What" - Swamp Dogg - Rat On!!
13. "Amen" - Rotary Connection - Rotary Connection
14. "Shake It Like a White Girl" - E.U - Livin' Large
15. "Trouble Funk Express" - Trouble Funk - Early Singles
16. "Trianguli" - John V. - Sinfonia Psychedelica
17. "Polio" - Pterodactyl - Pterodactyl [Brah]
18. "No Furture" - Rah Brahs - Whohm [Lovitt]
19. "Kamloops" - Flin Flon - A-Ok [TeenBeat]
20. "Dracula Mountain" - Lightning Bolt - Wonderful Rainbow [Load]
21. "Lovefingers" - Silver Apples - Silver Apples
22. "Extra CD Track" - Ultra Vivid Scene - Ultra Vivid Scene [4AD]
23. "Bauchredner" - Gastr del Sol - Upgrade and Afterlife [Drag City]
24. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]

Saturday, January 30, 2010

66. The Broadcasting System 11/30/09




1. "Picking Up Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene!]
2. "Paris 1919" - John Cale - Paris 1919 [Elektra]
3. "My Baby's Taking Me Home" - Sparks - L'il Beethoven
4. "Kray Twins" - Renegade Soundwave - RSW 97-95
5. "The Number Song" - DJ Shadow - Endtroducing...
6. "Eric B. Is President" - Eric B. and Rakim - Paid in Full
7. "Wall Street" - Jackie Mittoo - The Keyboard King at Studio One
8. "Luminous Carcass Ornament" - Daniel Higgs - Atomic Yggdrasil Tarot [Thrill Jockey]
9. "I Am A Poor Wayfaring Stranger" - Almeda Riddle - Southern Journey Vol. 4: Brethren We Have Met Again [Smithsonian Folkways]
10. "Laminated Cat" - Loose Fur - Loose Fur [Drag City]
11. "I Am Born to Preach the Gospel" - Washington Phillips - Key to the Kingdom
12. "Werewolf Song" - Michael Hurley - Blueberry Wine [Smithsonian Folkways]
13. "The Last Word in Lonesome is Me" - Roger Miller - King of the Road
14. "Alexander II (Theme from Shaft)" - Horst Jankowski - Black Forest Explosion
15. "Black Steel (Acapella mix)" - Tricky - Maxinquaye
16. "Regicide" - Matmos - The Civil War [Matador]
17. "My Soul is a Witness" - Unknown - Negro Religious Field Recordings from Mississippi and Lousiana
18. "Il Duce" - Big Black - Il Duce 7"
19. "(It Won't Be Long) And I'll Be Hatin You" - Johnny Paycheck - Greatest Hits
20. "Cloak and Dagger" - Tommy McCook and Upsetters - Cloak and Dagger
21. "Sun Was High (So Was I)" - Best Coast
22. "Daydreaming So Early" - On Fillmore - Extended Vacation [Dead Oceans: 2009]
23. "Imagine That" - Patsy Cline - The Definitive Collection
24. "Be With Me Jesus" - Angola Quartet - Country Spirituals
25. "Always Fade" - Low - Drums and Guns [Sub Pop]
26. "Treefingers" - Radiohead - Kid A
27. "The Mermaid Song" - Bascom Lamar Lunsford - Ballads, Banjo Tunes and Sacred Songs of Western North Carolina
28. "Interference" - Trenchmouth - The Broadcasting System [Skene]

65. Voices from Possessed Children (Okkulte Stimmen. Recordings of Unseen Intelligences 1905-2007. 3xCD)



(I originally acquired this recording from the Allegory of Allergies blog. Go check it out.)



multiple values Typically rhythmic-melodic speech in a hebephrenic schizophrenic; Ecstatically emotive artificial language in a chronic paranoid; Sonorous artificial language (Schizophrenia); Sitting with 'Betty', rec. London, 1987


"The steak Diane s'il vous plait, Phillipe"

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one at recess. Many people play doctor at home, but nothing can take the place of a real doctor's advice."

"I told them they should get a divorce. It's been my opinion that they should have gotten divorced years ago. Why can't they think about the post traumatic stress syndrome."

"I realized at a very young age that

"It became glaringly obvious to me at a very young age that

"I knew from a very young age that I was to be

"Of course I want him to stay here, but I don't really know the protocol for a middle-aged man who a) doesn't know who I am anymore or is willfully ignoring the fact that he DOES know me; and b) when he DOES seem to know who I am, calls me 'Lieutenant.' Building a fort out of sofa cushions, that's great... when I do it. But when Dad barricades himself in his room, I don't know what to do. There it is: I don't know what to do. So I have to be an adult. All that on top of math homework, yeah, I am at the end of my rope."

multiple values Glossolalia - prophecies, Pentecost community, USA, 1960s; Glossolalia - Pentecostal Church, Oklahoma, USA 1980s

"* # Enter the R-2 Prime Cup's Master Ball division (you have to beat the first three divisions first).
# Assemble a team that contains a Pikachu that does not yet know Surf. You HAVE to use a Pikachu from your Game Boy game. You cannot unlock Surfing Pikachu using a Rental Pokmon.
# Do not register your team! Pick it directly from your Game Boy cartridge.
# You now have to beat the Prime Cup's Master Ball division using a three-Pokmon team that always contains Pikachu. Pikachu has to be in every one of the eight battles, but it doesn't actually have to battle.
# You are not allowed to use any continues. If you do, you won't get Surfing Pikachu. "

"TM 01 - Mega Punch
TM 02 - Razor Wind
TM 03 - Swords Dance
TM 04 - Whirlwind
TM 05 - Mega Kick
TM 06 - Toxic
TM 07 - Horn Drill
TM 08 - Body Slam
TM 09 - Take-Down
TM 10 - Double-Edge
TM 11 - BubbleBeam
TM 12 - Water Gun
TM 13 - Ice Beam
TM 14 - Blizzard
TM 15 - Hyper Beam
TM 16 - Pay Day
TM 17 - Submission
TM 18 - Counter
TM 19 - Seismic Toss
TM 20 - Rage" ...
[list continues for another ten pages - ed.]

multiple values Voices from possessed children I January 1978; Possessed children II, February 1978; Exorcism carried out on Anneliese M______, Germany 1976; Rita G____ as 'Russell', rec. Leicester, England 18.11.1983

"This is an important time for me, and I'm sorry, but I need to be selfish right now."

"Holla atcha boy on Facebook."

"Why *can't* I?"

"party

"I just want to look young. If that means I have one facial expression a day, it's no skin off my ass. Anyway, skin off my ass, that's a different procedure. When I look young, I feel young."

"better off without me fucking things up, I always loved you and this is better than me

"time alone

"just tired

"So I tried the hot yoga, the Bikram stuff, for like a week and I still couldn't quit smoking so I'm signing up for this thing in Costa Rica where they put you in a coma for a week, two weeks and... No, I checked, the guy has a degree. And when you wake up you're past the whole thing and I'm going to ask if it might help with my co-dependancy as well. I mean, what's a couple of weeks in Nod if it can fix my

The loss of ; children being adults, adults being children.

"Wretched self-interest quickly dispels all the chimeras of the national will."

"The antipathy disappeared and turned into a completely exalted condition."

"A catechism with unctuous Solomon-like language the words of which rise gently like a dove chirp! chirp! to the regions of pathos and thunder-like aspects."

"All the dilettantism of thirty-five years of neglect."




Sunday, January 24, 2010

64. The Baby Vector (Scott Bradley - Soundtracks to Tex Avery Cartoons)




(impossible without Brunner)

the babies came at dawn, on their quiet padded feet. i woke up and looked out the bay window, weak coffee in hand. i saw them. they saw me. the coffee cup fell to the foor, in slow motion, shattering, over and over again. john williams.

***

what is it, cremins.

babies, sir.

no shit, 'babies.'

sir, i...

what, cremins.

i don't know if i can shoot a baby, sir.

well, i think you just point the gun and pull the trigger but i'm no expert, cremins, i've only been in the fucking army for seventeen years.

sir.

cremins, when they come up on you you better shoot.

they're babies, sir.

babies... yeah, they're babies. they are babies, cremins.

***

the ride was worse than he imagined. he never thought he would run over a baby, and not a dozen every block. not in the minivan, which he and carol (carol... i hope...) had bought when they were expecting.

expecting. he never expected this.

***

parson looked up from the floor with one eye, the other one a bloody rose of gore. the babies didn't notice. they were oddly quiet, sucking on their pacifiers. like a fucking anne geddes picture... one gurgled contendedly and rolled on his back. slowly, he removed the pacifier.

it wasn't a pacifier. it was a finger.

parson screamed and then he felt little bodies start to land on him, flump flump flump flump...

***

moscowicz wiped sweat from his eyes. it was hotter than hell here in the mainframe room, but it was hotter out there, where the babies were. if he could just download the RAM into the mainframe, he could...

oh god, he whispered.

what is it? said sasha.

fucking... jesus, he said.

the mainframe screen lit up with the face of a jolly baby. "ah ah ah! ga ga ga! ah ah ah! gah gah gah!" it said. moscowicz heard a rising whine.

get out, sasha!

the room exploded.


***

sweating in the janitorial closet. my heart bursting through my ears. try to breathe quietly. but i'm safe. i know i am. cause they can't open the door. they can't open the door. they can't...

i looked at the handle. it was jiggling.

i stood up and looked through the small window. a pyramid of babies. roly poly. deadly. and on top, a baby teetering, reaching for the handle. only the fact that his hands were slick with blood kept him from getting a grip.

***

the baby hit the ground the same time i did, but got up just a little faster, motherfucker bounced, looks like. next i know the motherfucker has a knee to my throat and he's riding me like a bronco. stephanie, i thought. stephanie. i tried, honey.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

63. The Social Contracts of 1544-B Alameda Drive (George Carlin, A Place for My Stuff)



1. Louis will replace what he ate when Hal replaces what he ate.
2. Kim won't bathe with the bathroom door wide open if Louis will confront his hatred and fear of women.
3. Hal won't mock Jane's fear of midgets just because it occurs to him to do so.
4. Jane just won't.
5. Hal will refrain from punching Louis in the nose if Louis will admit he's a sponge.
6. Kim won't mention Jane's yo-yo dieting if Jane won't keep her up all night with one of her crying jags.
7. Hal won't leave the toilet seat up if Jane won't keep him up all night with one of her crying jags.
8. Louis won't stand over Jane's bed in a hood if Jane won't keep him up all night with one of her crying jags.
9. Kim won't call the cops on everyone else just because she's menstruating.
10. Kim won't call the cops if everyone else leaves.

62. Frank Talk About Eye Color (Black Eyes, s/t and Cough)



Blue eyes: People with blue eyes are descended from Nazis. People with blue eyes are from: Scandinavia, Brazil, Oklahoma. Blue-eyed people are horse-whisperers, cheerleaders, Robin Hoods, devils. Blue-eyed people think they run the world but they so don’t. Blue-eyed people were able to rap in the early 90’s. Blue-eyed people will never find the face of Jesus in a miracle tortilla, and only 7% (adjusted) will ever try to. Blue-eyed people know where participating locations are. Blue-eyed people: 11.99% APR, $700 down at participating locations.

Brown eyes: People with brown eyes wake up later than people of other eye colors, and they go to bed later. Types of brown eyes: cylindrical (reversed), like chestnut, bloodshot, muffin. If you approach a brown-eye person from behind, be sure to ring your bell; their frightened ululations will startle and delight the cattle. Brown-eyed girls resent Van Morrison, for they have never been under the stadium, and they haven’t grown. They have reached only the size of their
cubicles, which are piled on top of each other like Tetris blocks. Brown-eyed people are seen in the early levels, and may be defeated with the Young Moon combo, which you should have had tattooed to your left wrist by Horga, the Ice Witch in Yodelling City.

Green eyes: Not jealous, but resentful of the implication. Green-eyed lady, passionate lady: child of nature, friend to man; will prepare your taxes using druidic “essences.” Green-eyed people hang out under power lines, smoking; on ley-lines, smudging; in places where coffee is served in tiny china demitasse cups, writing the next American novel, not the great one, just the next. Green eyed men come from Mars, and green eyed ladies come from “What do you mean by that!?”.

Red eyes: Linda Blair! Oh no. Oh no no no, God no.

Hazel eyes: Those of the hazel persuasion know their limitations, but surpass them anyways. Hey hazel-eye lady, won’t you share your Twix with me? Hey hazel-eye daddy, you let my woman be. We wanna have us hazel eye children underneath that hazel tree. Hazel-eyed people would write a musical like that, but have been counselled against it.

Friday, July 3, 2009

61. 365 More Funniest Jokes! (Coyle and Sharpe, Audio Visionaries)



may 6!

a policeman was called to the Verrazanno Narrows Bridge to stop a man from committing suicide. he pulled up right as the man was about to go over the side. "don't do it!" he said. "you have so much to live for!" "bullshit!" said the guy. "i'm bankrupt, i'm under investigation by the SEC, and my fiancee, jennifer landingham, is cheating on me!" "THE jennifer landingham?" said the cop. "i know her. she's beautiful! she's something to live for!" the guy paused. "i guess... yeah, she is..." he said, starting to step away from the edge. "and she fucks like a wildcat. in bed her ass moves like a blender!" said the cop. the high point of the Verrazanno Narrows Bridge is 244 feet above the water.

october 30!

what would happen if you crossed an eggplant with a boom box?

that could not happen.

august 11!

fred: doctor, it hurts when i do this!
doctor derf: well, don't do that!
fred: but life without masturbation isn't worth living!

february 1!

a man and a woman were walking in the mountains along a thin trail. suddenly, the ground gave way and the woman fell, only barely catching herself on a branch. "quick, go get help!" she said. "ok, honey! i love you!" he ran back along the trail towards the village. the path forked and even though there were PLENTY OF PEOPLE AROUND he didn't ask for directions and he got more and more lost. he finally made it to the village and got help but by the time he got back, his wife had plummetted to her death. he should have asked for directions but guys NEVER DO.

december 17!

what did the hamburger say to the side of fries?

hamburgers cannot speak, we have made them mute so they aren't horrifying to eat.

june 1!

what would you call a cross between a hyena and a manatee?

this joke has two punchlines, equally humorous. a) a hyenatee. b) a horrifying mental image.

september 22!

i went to a german-russian restaurant, and an hour later i hit a jew in the face and then sent his family to the steppes!

march 19!

one of my cats had a litter of kittens, and my five year old daughter, jesse, was amazed by the process. she cooed with delight as the first kitten was born, asked (i thought) very intelligent questions about biology and the birth canal, and danced and laughed while the mama cat licked the first kitten clean. the litter ended up being five cats, and it took a while, so i made dinner. while we were eating, jesse looked over at the pen where the birthing was finishing. "look, fluffles is hungry too! happy dinner, fluffles!" my wife and i looked on in horror. the fifth kitten was stillborn and fluffles was snout deep in its steaming, deformed corpse.

january 29!

what did the politest child in the gulag get?

cancer!

hope you're enjoying this ETERNITY OF FUNNY JOKES!

60. D.B Cooper Parachuting Over My Mother's House (Cajun Fais Do-Do)




(for Brian Encino Man)

d.b. cooper's parachute malfunctions. he cuts it away, uses his safety. he plunges into the brackish waters of the corrottoman. my mother drinks white wine on the deck, sees d.b. cooper swim slowly to the shore. she pours another glass of wine. she goes to get another glass. she pours another glass of wine.

d.b cooper dripping wet. he walks to the deck. roughly, my mother grabs his arm, pulls him to her.

an hour during which my mother and d.b. cooper do things i will not describe.

d.b. cooper and my mother smoking, drinking white wine.

d.b. cooper: "thank you for... understanding."
my mother: "no, honey, it's fine."
d.b. cooper: "i wish i didn't have this... this kink."
my mother: "we're all wired a little off factory specifications, dear."
d.b. cooper: "yeah, but how many people have to leap from a helicopter with a malfunctioning parachute which they then need to cut away and use their back-up... how many people need to do all that in order to initiate sexual relations?"

my mother shrugs and pours another glass of white wine.

d.b. cooper seen parachuting to the supermarket. the convenience store. his chiropractors.

my mother drinking white wine.

my mother: "are you having an affair?"
d.b. cooper: "i could never. can you pour me another glass of white wine?"
my mother: "you seem to be parachuting quite a bit these days."
d.b. cooper: "well, it IS what i'm known for."

d.b. cooper falling from the sky, silhouetted by the red clay sun. my mother looking up with wonder.

what does the house look like to a man in freefall? what does my mother look like from 30,000 feet? i ask d.b. cooper over white wine.

"you couldn't understand it, son. you stay on the ground. you've never felt all your guts in your throat as you step from the plane. i've watched you, it takes you ten minutes to screw up the courage to step from a curb. there's nothing wrong with that. i myself am deathly afraid of spiders. so much as i will never understand the certain thrill of arachnology, you will never understand..."

well, it is my mother, after all. i certainly wouldn't, i suppose...

i ask my mother, who sits atop a pyramid of empty white wine bottles.

"son, i don't feel comfortable talking about..."
"do you see him as he falls? does this excite you?"
"i see him fall. i watch as the first parachute fails to deploy. i must admit, knowing that the process has been set in motion there is a certain frisson. but i doubt you could ever understand. you who requires rope and pitons to descend a flight of stairs. this isn't your fault. your father used to..."
"don't talk about father," i say.

paralyzed with fear in front of the bank of elevators. i can see my face in the polished doors. my psychiatrist on the phone, telling me again he will not have our session in the lobby, telling me that as a strict freudian he will charge me whether i come to the third floor or not.

my father at the base of the stairs, waving the January 1982 issue of Playboy.

"c'mon. c'mon you little pussy. c'mon you little pecker. you gotta come down some time. i know you wanna see this. hoo-ee." he glances at the magazine, shakes it so that the centerfold unfurls. "goddamn, i do declare. this is gonna jumpstart yer puberty, boy. this is gonna make your little balls drop. c'mon, boy. c'mon. mother of all saints, but this chick is smokin'."

quivering, i push a slinky over the lip of the stairs, watch it flip flip flip towards my father.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

59. 365 Greatest Jokes (Neil Hamburger, America's Funnyman + Great Phone Calls)



Jan. 21!
what do you get when you cross a giraffe and a lizard?

a long-necked komodo dragon!

Mar. 9!
a muslim and a baptist were alone in a lifeboat, somewhere in the Indian Ocean. the baptist said, "at times like this, our differences seem kind of small, don't they?" the muslim didn't respond. he did not speak english.

February 11!
why was six afraid of seven?

seven was black!

September 14!
what was pol pot's favorite television show?

a five-hour long static shot of bleached human skulls in the sun!

June 1!
a drunk walked into a bar with his dog. "hey," said the bartender. "you can't bring your dog in here!" "this isn't just any dog. this dog can talk!" said the drunk, who smelled awful. "you don't say!" said the bartender. "hey poochy, who was the greatest baseball player of all time!" the dog started licking his flanks. the bartender waited, then said "ok, what's the book of the bible after judges?" the dog sniffed the wall. the drunk started to weep. "c'mon sparky, talk. please. please."

December 30!
how do you get to carnegie hall?

i don't know, it's in new york city, isn't it? we're nowhere near there.

Decmeber 31!
how do you get to carnegie hall?

are you fucking dense? this is fucking tallahassee. we're nowhere close to fucking carnegie hall. seriously, leave me the fuck alone.

July 3!
what do you call a room with no windows or doors?

hell

October 6!
little susie was walking home from school when a car splashed through a puddle right next to her, soaking her and covering her pretty dress with mud! thinking quickly, she grabbed a couple of palm fronds, took all her clothes off, and held the fronds in front of her suggestively. she made it home, where her mother was on the front porch, smoking. "susie! what are you doing!" "there are women like this in daddy's magazines!" replied susie. "oh god, get in the house!" said her mother. it was too late. child protective services had been notified.

ha ha! keep checking back for the funniest jokes!

58. Twilight of the Dudes (U.S. Maple: Long Hair in Three Stages, Sang Phat Editor, Acre Thrills)




Twilight of the Dudes. the Duderdammerung. the grills stand empty. the lawns unmowed. vast piles of buffalo wings uneaten. where are the Dudes. does anyone remember Dudes. Dudes, come back. we don't know what you're for but we need you back anyway.

the Dudes in the hearts of men. there will be a corner of some foreign field that is forever Dude. at nightfall, a lone trumpet plays the guitar line to "Walk This Way."

where the Dude once stood rises the New American Guy. he shines, is kind. he goes to buy the Midol with no complaint. the La-Z-Boys are towed via barge out to sea and sunk. vast reefs formed from the La-Z-Boys of the missing Dudes.

deep in the swamp primeval thirty miles from little rock, an ornithologist sits by a campfire and reviews the tapes from his field recorders. nothing. on the sixth tape, though, behind the slow sizzle of the sound of rain, something. he rewinds the tape. he checks all the levels. he takes the tape out of the player, inspects it. he puts it back in. he realizes he has been holding his breath. he presses play. no, it's there, it's definitely there. the sound of rain. then: "fuckin' mets suck this year." then, the sound of rain until the end of the tape.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

56. The Action of Worms, as per the Notes of Charles Darwin (Chinese Bells of Great Antiquity 千古绝响曾侯乙编钟之声)


The accumulation of rubbish on the sites of great cities independent of the action of worms — The burial of a Roman villa at Abinger — The floors and walls penetrated by worms — Subsidence of a modern pavement — The buried pavement at Beaulieu Abbey — Roman villas at Chedworth and Brading — The remains of the Roman town at Silchester — The nature of the débris by which the remains are covered — The penetration of the tesselated floors and walls by worms — Subsidence of the floors — Thickness of the mould — The old Roman city of Wroxeter — Thickness of the mould — Depth of the foundations of some of the buildings — Conclusion.

***

13 September; soft wet weather. The mouths of the burrows were re-opened, or castings were ejected, at 31 points; these were all defaced.

14 September; 34 fresh holes or castings all defaced.

15 September; 44 fresh holes, only 5 castings; all defaced./

18 September; 43 fresh holes, 8 castings; all defaced.

The number of castings on the surrounding fields was now very large.

19 September; 40 holes, 8 castings; all defaced.

22 September; 43 holes, only a few fresh castings; all defaced.

23 September; 44 holes, 8 castings.

25 September; 50 holes, no record of the number of castings.

13 October; 61 holes, no record of the number of castings.

***

...that we have here evidence of two/fires, separated by an interval of time, during which the 6 inches of 'mortar and concrete/with broken tiles' was accumulated. Beneath one of the layers of charred wood, a valuable relic, a bronze eagle, was found; and this shows that the soldiers must have deserted the place in a panic. Owing to the death of Mr Joyce, I have not been able to ascertain beneath which of the two layers the eagle was found. The bed of rubble overlying the undisturbed gravel originally formed, as I suppose, the floor, for it stands on a level with that of a corridor, outside the walls of the Hall; but the corridor is not shown in the section as here given. The vegetable mould was 16 inches thick in the thickest part; and the depth from the surface of the field, clothed with herbage,...

***

In almost all the rooms the pavement has/sunk considerably, especially towards the middle; and this is shown in the three following sections. The measurements were made by stretching a string tightly and horizontally over the floor. The section, Fig. 13, was taken from north to south across a room, 18 feet 4 inches in length, with a nearly perfect pavement, next to the 'Red Wooden Hut'.

***

The nature of the beds immediately beneath the vegetable mould in some of the sections is rather perplexing.

***

Evidence of the amount of denudation which the land has undergone — Subaerial denudation — The deposition of dust — Vegetable mould, its dark colour and fine texture largely due to the action of worms — The disintegration of rocks by the humus acids — Similar acids apparently generated within the bodies of worms — The action of these acids facilitated by the continued movement of the particles of earth — A thick bed of mould checks the disintegration of the underlying soil and rocks. Particles of stone worn or triturated in the gizzards of worms — Swallowed stones serve as millstones — The levigated state of the castings — Fragments of brick in the castings over ancient buildings well rounded. The triturating power of worms not quite insignifcant under a geological point of view.

***

Not only do worms aid indirectly in the chemical disintegration of rocks, but there is good reason to believe that they likewise act in a direct and mechanical manner on the smaller particles. All the species which swallow earth are furnished with gizzards; and these are lined with so thick a chitinous membrane, that Perrier speaks of it, Archives de Zoolog. expér., vol. iii, 1874, p. 409. †13 as 'une véritable armature'.

***

CHAPTER VI
THE DENUDATION OF THE LAND — continued

***

Abinger, Roman villa at, 178

castings from Roman villa, with rounded particles, 253

Acids of human, action on rocks, 240

Africa, dust from, 235

Air, currents of, worms sensitive to, 28

Amount of earth brought to the surface by worms, 129

Ants, intelligence of, 93

Archiac, D', criticisms on my views, 4

***

As the foundations of the walls generally lie at a considerable depth, they will either have not subsided at all through the undermining action of worms, or they will have subsided much less than the floor. This latter result would follow from worms not often working deep down beneath the foundations; but more especially from the walls not yielding when penetrated by worms, whereas the successively formed burrows in a mass of earth, equal to one of the walls in depth and thickness, would have collapsed many times since the desertion of the ruins, and would consequently have shrunk or subsided.

Monday, May 18, 2009

55. Thank You. You're Welcome. (Glocken der Heimat - Field Recordings of German Church Bells)



To: Butch and David Potter, Makers of Martin's Potato Chips

Sirs,

As I took the elevator to the Third Floor Clinic (where a number of professionals were about to painfully laser off a particularly embarassing tattoo commemorating Rihanna's recent foray into art photography), imagine my surprise when I read the back of an individual sized bag of your barbecued potato chips. Imagine, if you will, my at first gentle shock, which mellowed into a warm sense of well-being. These were my feelings as I read the back of that bag of potato chips. These were my feelings as I read your no doubt heartfelt thanks to me, the consumer, who had just voted with his dollar and bought the aforementioned snack. "Thank you for purchasing Martin's potato chips. We take great pride in delivering to you fresh, delicious potato chips with exceptional potato flavor."

Exceptional potato flavor? For a second, I stopped salivating in anticipation of those salty treats and it seemed to me that your kind words had rerouted my salivary glands into my eyes, for happy tears welled in my eyes. "If you have any questions or comments, please call 1-800-272-4477 (weekdays 9-4 Eastern Time)." Yes, I have a comment, and I have a question, and I cannot merely "phone them in." I want that question and that comment emblazoned forever on the internet, where they will never be recorded over and will never be forgotten, as long as people google "irritainment." My comment is this: God Bless You Both, Butch and David Potter, for remembering that thanks are always welcome, that merchants are nothing without their customers, for remembering these seemingly little things that add up to a shining mountain of gratitude. And here is my question: what is your mother''s address? I would send a bouquet of roses to her, in appreciation of just how good of a job she did raising you.

Yours, Smilin Tyler


To: Juan, Night Janitor, Shenandoah Valley Hospital PICU

Amigo,

I staggered into the bathroom of room 3174 a shaken man. I feel no shame in telling you, Juan (if that is indeed your name, if not feel free to substitute your own), that I was ready to fall out. My child, Smilin Jr., had succesfully lodged in his sinuses the entire can of Smokehouse Inspired Almond Cubes that my wife (Mrs. Smilin) and I had just purchased at Big Lots, and the prognosis was looking grim. At the very least, it seemed that little Smilin Jr. was going to have to face life unable to smell anything but the savory waft of Smokehouse Inspired Almond Cubes. At the worst, we were looking at a cephalectomy, a possibility that was depressing me to say the least, as I had envisioned Smilin Jr. as being backup catcher for the Kansas City Royals, or at worst a batboy long enough to accrue a decent pension. True, the range of replacement heads that are on offer these days are much better than they used to be, and I had just about set my mind on a Jean-Claude Van Damme; this, however much I enjoyed "Under Seige," was cold comfort, and of course now that I look back on the whole affair I realize that that had been Steven Seagal.

So as I was about to leave an almond-less bowel movement in the bathroom of room 3174, it was as if God himself had left me a message on a loop of parchment around the seat. "This seat has been sanitized for your protection." Juan, are you familiar with what is commonly called Beethoven's "Ode to Joy"? Can you imagine if it went "San-i-tized for YOUR pro-tect-tion, toilet seat has BEEN, reDEEMED"? Can you, Juan? If you need help, I can call you and hum it for you. That is what I heard in my head, Juan. Thank you for sanitizing that for my protection. For my protection! Do you know how vulnerable I felt, Juan? And this was BEFORE Child Protective Services got involved, Juan. But when I saw that loop around the seat, I felt calm and at peace. I knew then what needed to be done. It was one of the few times in my life that I have felt such certitude.

So thank you, Juan, for sanitizing that which is so often unsanitary. Thank you. Any time you're in the Dogtown neighborhood, please stop by my house (address enclosed). I think that you will find our toilet sanitary, and I also think that Smilin Jr. is a lot more enjoyable and easier to care for with his new rubber head.

Gracias! De nada! Smilin Tylero

To: Acid Steve

Steve-o,

I now take the time to thank you, Steve, from the bottom of my heart to the tip of my deviated septum, for not stepping on my coke with Drano, but rather with the much gentler baby laxative. So often in these [REST OF LETTER REDACTED UNDER ADVICE OF ATTORNEY]